How you know
You finished the conversation relieved, and you're not sure the message arrived.
Something to say
“I want to be clearer than I was just now. The part that has to change is this.”
It's easier to spot this afterwards than at the time. Give it a week before you decide it isn't yours.
Two ways in
One is a habit. The other is one person.
Neither is the better one. Pick whichever matches the thing that is actually bothering you.
On your own
The habit, not the incident.
Kindness that leaves somebody uninformed costs them the chance to fix it. And the second conversation is always harder than the first one would have been.
- Say the hard sentence early, while you've still got the nerve. Soften afterwards.
- Before you finish, ask them to say back what they're changing. If what comes back is vague, you were vague.
- Keep what you're asking for separate from how sorry you are about asking. Both are allowed. Blended, only one of them gets heard.
With somebody in mind
The same friction, one person.
The person you're gentlest with is usually the one whose work you most want to be good. None of that is audible in the gentleness.
- Say the sentence you'd write down if you had to put it in writing. Say it to their face instead.
- Afterwards, ask whether that was clear. Not whether it was fair — whether it was clear.
One of these, not all of them. And in your own words, because ours won't sound like you.
Where this sharpens
It lands hardest with two of the five.
Not because anybody is difficult. These are just the two who reach for something different first, at the same moment.
Which one is yours
You are reading The Designer. Is that actually you?
Ten situations, about three minutes, no sign-up. It tells you which of the five you reach for first — and which version of this page is yours.
Five readings
This plays differently depending on what you reach for first.
Pick the one that sounds most like you. Reading a dimension is not a claim that you are one.