How you know
You're stacking up more evidence for a point nobody is still arguing with.
Something to say
“The facts are settled. What I want to talk about is how we work, which is a different question.”
It's easier to spot this afterwards than at the time. Give it a week before you decide it isn't yours.
Two ways in
One is a habit. The other is one person.
Neither is the better one. Pick whichever matches the thing that is actually bothering you.
On your own
The habit, not the incident.
Settling the facts is the easy half, and you're already good at it. The second question has to be said out loud or it never gets asked.
- Say "that's settled" the moment it's settled, so the other person can stop defending it.
- Name the second question out loud instead of letting a correction smuggle it in.
- When you're about to add a third piece of evidence, ask what it's for.
With somebody in mind
The same friction, one person.
If somebody agrees you were right and the tension doesn't drop, the point was never what this was about.
- Ask what would make the next one go better, and mean it.
- Offer up the thing you're least sure about, so being right stops being the point.
One of these, not all of them. And in your own words, because ours won't sound like you.
Where this sharpens
It lands hardest with two of the five.
Not because anybody is difficult. These are just the two who reach for something different first, at the same moment.
Which one is yours
You are reading The Developer. Is that actually you?
Ten situations, about three minutes, no sign-up. It tells you which of the five you reach for first — and which version of this page is yours.
Five readings
This plays differently depending on what you reach for first.
Pick the one that sounds most like you. Reading a dimension is not a claim that you are one.